I want to write

I’m ready to write more blog posts now, I am. I just need something to say that doesn’t lead me back down the rabbit hole of grief. I’m working on another links post and I’ve got a few more ideas in the works, but I just feel like free-writing.

I can’t let my mind go like I could three weeks ago, because it always goes back to Jaden, Jaden, Jaden. Now I understand what people mean when they say “I think about him every day” years after someone has died. They literally mean every single day. I didn’t believe it was possible, that there was enough room in a person’s brain to think about the ones they’ve lost and go on with their lives but somehow it is possible.

I had an awkward moment the other day where someone asked me how my family was doing. They asked because there were insane floods ruining huge parts of Alberta (including downtown Calgary), but I totally froze. Does he know my brother died? He doesn’t know. Should I tell him? Is it my job to tell him? It was a case of either me not telling him and hoping he’d forget all about my family, or else I could tell him and probably cry and make him feel super bad for bringing it up even though he didn’t know. I “had to make a phone call” instead of doing either thing.

But I can’t keep making phone calls. Another guy, a friend of a friend, was in town and he was all “So how have you been doing lately? What’s new?” And I was all like “fine, nothing’s new” but that felt like a horrible lie so I changed my answer to “actually pretty terrible” and went on to totally bring everybody in the room down…I guess I’ll just keep it on a need to know basis from now on.

I just felt like I couldn’t do the absolute horror of the situation justice in that type of small, just-catching-up conversation. The way I screamed and screamed into my pillow after my sister told me how they found him that morning. Knowing that the body I was seeing gasping for air at the children’s hospital was the same little buddy I fell in love with fourteen years ago and he was already gone by the time I got there. There will never be another chance for us to make jokes at Christmas, I can never watch him play hockey again…I had plans to start inviting him out to Victoria to stay for a weekend here and there “when he got older”…

Another thing I’m struggling with on my blog is the right thing to say. I really want to pour my heart out and my guts and my brain but I also don’t want to say too much. I want my mom to be able to read this, but I also want to express the true dark and gritty hurt I have. I don’t feel like “sorrow” or “grief” cover the rock hard wall I hit. I actually have felt differently about everything since Jaden died, I think it reset my emotions and the things I care about. I care less. I’m not sure if that’s a temporary thing or a good thing or bad.

You see? I just wrote what I was thinking and this is what came out.

There are good things going on in my life. I have some great friends who I have been ignoring. (sorry!!) Yesterday I got new heart shaped sunglasses and had good hair and got a new tattoo (and Gerry fixed a poorly done one by another guy as well). We got a new oven. A great friend just told me just now as I’m typing that she’s coming to town next week. But my mind is just JADENJADENJADEN as soon as I let it go.

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canada day bla bla bla

So far today’s been pretty good, I’ve got the day off and the kids and I have been hanging out. We watched Office Space (well I put it on and forced them to watch it), then we went outside to shoot airsoft guns at pop bottles and cardboard men they made, then we dragged a blanket (and Tank) outside and played a round of the Simpson’s Jeopardy board game. I was winning too much and they got frustrated so we stopped, haha. They’re playing video games now and I’m eating cold pizza.

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Our yearly tradition on Canada Day is to go down “to the docks” downtown, get french fries at Barb’s Fish and Chips, and watch the fireworks. Something about that seems so unappealing to me today, but you know, it’s tradition so what can you do? We might have to go. Plus it looks like The Odds are playing today somewhere downtown. I used to love their song Eat My Brain a lot, actually. It was on all the mix tapes.*

I’ve also got three giant cans of Strongbow I could get into. The weather’s super hot but our house is cave-like inside because of all the trees surrounding us. Amazing in the summer, freezing in the winter. Who needs air conditioning anyway?

So yeah I’m just really trying to live in the moment. Yesterday I read something Alexandra Franzen wrote and it was perfect:

WHAT TO SAY (TO YOURSELF) WHEN YOU ARE GRIEVING

Dear Self,

I am grieving.

Grief is natural.

But I was not born to grieve — I was born to love, and laugh, and live.

Grief is only my waiting room — for the moment.

And one day, soon, I will step out of that waiting room, and back into my life.

I’ll take one small step today, right now, by {insert itty-bitty action step, here}.

That one small step will feel loving, and beautiful, and good.

And that one small step is all I need to do — for now.

Love,

{your name}
XO.

 

You see? That is awesome. Anyway I’m trying to not let my focus remain on death and the futility of being and all that. What about the small things? What about the good in the world? It’s hard to get past that “who cares, we’re all going to die anyway” thing but I’m working on it.

Anyway yeah so Canada’s birthday, woo. I’m going to get my Canada flag cape and my jester hat or whatever and party. Or actually no. The opposite of that.

*watching that video led me down a rabbithole of old one hit wonders. Remember In The Meantime by Spacehog? Damn I used to love that one too. And I Got A Girl by Tripping Daisy? And Live’s I Alone? And Just A Girl by No Doubt? Am I dating myself yet? haha I’m like 40 years older than all the rest of you bloggers, bet you didn’t know that.

Best find of all though, hands down, is Popular by Nada Surf. Holy shit I was obsessed with this music video and the song when I was a teenager. Now…eh. It’s alright. I used to think that second guy the cheerleader makes out with was super hot though which was probably the main reason I taped it…on my VHS fucking recorder…onto a tape. Isn’t he like … 25 though? What’s he still doing on the high school football team anyway?

Watch it.

links

I think that making links posts is my version of meditation. For those of you who find these posts stressful or overwhelming to look at, just keep walking. I’ll write real words later on or show pretty pictures of things or whatever. For the rest of you, maybe book a few days off work for this one.

Do your dog’s feet smell like crackers? I noticed this years ago with dogs and it’s always true! (comic)

The secret language of birthdays. I don’t usually believe in this crap but mine was ridiculously accurate. (numerology)

Bloggers: jealousy, hate, and the myth of perfection. (blog post)

How to stop procrastinating: use the 2 minute rule. (article)

Tour guide personality types. (blog post)

I want to go to a cake decorating cafe!! (blog post)

The beginning of the rest of your life. (blog post)

Equal. Not. I love this, man she’s such a bad-ass. (blog post)

90 year-old woman finds teen sweetheart’s diary in WWII museum. (article)

The internet IS real life. (article)

Okay well Nicole is running from California to New York, so what are you doing with your life? (blog post)

Etheridge says Angelina Isn’t Brave. The etiquette on passing judgement.  (article)

Potato salad and acrobatics. WTF did I just watch? (video)

True story: I write fan fiction. (interview)

How to suck at your religion. (comic)

Pixar movies broken down and examined in charts. (images)

An open letter to an 18 year old. (blog post)

Do not comment on the things people are, comment on the things they do. (blog post)

Meet America’s most gangsta high school nerd. (article)

Babies babble in sign language too. (article)

Krokodil: Russia’s deadliest drug. NSFW and very graphic. (video)

The Bloggess shares some of her twitter friend’s embarrassing stories. (blog post)

I like Suzy’s take on birthdays…but I bet they’d be pretty traumatic days for some people. (blog post)

3 questions to ask yourself before you share a sexy photo of yourself online. (blog post)

The Shell Grotto is a beautiful place! (photos/blog post)

I love clever license plates. (photo)

Don’t take your vitamins. I already don’t because the waxy carrier stuff in them makes me nauseous. (article)

This comic on introversion is EXACTLY what I go through at parties. (comic)

5 signs you’re a crappy tourist. (article)

A sugar baby’s reality. I never knew they were called “sugar babies”. Ew! (article)

Comedians in cars getting coffee. Ricky Geravis and Jerry Seinfeld together? Awesome. (video)

A metal band made of sixth graders. AWESOME!! (article)

Typical wedding guests. (blog post)

Needs more gaze: a critical analysis of hot babes. I can’t unsee this now when I’m watching movies. (video)

11 ways to be unremarkably average. (comic)

Man stops robbery by quoting pulp fiction. haha too awesome. (article)

Game of Thrones actors and where you’ve seen them before. (photos)

A plague of women’s backs. (blog post)

The ultimate plant-based protein guide. (blog post)

How to be sharp, eloquent and witty on command. Sounds like a lot of work, haha. (blog post)

Fraidy cat. (blog post)

No one is impressed that you don’t own a tv. (article)

Buy experiences, not things. (article)

Chinese air-freight handler could not be worse at his job. (video)

This is really interesting. Jacob Riis went to NYC in 1870 and documented the homeless. (photo/article)

10 questions still baffling scientists. (article)

The menstruating garage-saler. (blog post)

How to win a bet when you lose a bet. (photos)

How America learned to love summer reading. (article)

Andrew O’Hagan reviews The Bling Ring. (article)

Goals? What goals? (blog post)

Overly PC redditor gets ass handed to … him/her?? … by linguists over the use of the spelling “persyn” hahaha (reddit thread)

7 antiquated illness names and their meanings. (article)

Touch only with your eyes. (photo)

6 images that ruined the lives of the people they made famous. (Cracked article)

NYC type. (photos)

What would happen if the sun disappeared? (video)

The internet is my playground. I love Ricky Gervais. (article) (warning, an ad autoplays at the top of the screen)

If you don’t know what your dream job is, don’t go into debt figuring it out. Wish someone had given me this advice ten years ago!!! (blog post)

It’s a beh beh bat. (photo)

Damnit Billy, I told you not to wear your green shirt today! (photo)

20 owls that can’t get any respect. (photos)

I’m jealous of Caitlin’s Mickey Mouse cactus. (photo)

10 animals you probably didn’t know existed. I was obsessed with the star nosed mole when I was a kid for some reason. (photos/article)

How to converse properly. 18 tips from old etiquette books. (article)

Instagram video and the death of fantasy. (article)

Six fairy tales for the modern woman. (article)

This is what every moth is plotting. (photo)

10 creepy video game urban legends. (article)

10 crazy fads that swept America. (article)

Trapped in an underwater air bubble for three days. Science! (article)

How to deal with negative people. Interesting, I might try this. (video)

14 books you should read before the movie comes out. (article)

Feed your brain, feed your life. (article)

Dr. Seuss the mad hatter. A peek inside his secret closet. (article)

10 uncommon truths every business owner should know. (blog post)

How to buy happiness. (article)

A dad’s letter to his daughter. Amazing. (article)

22 maps that show how Americans speak totally different English from one another. (article/maps)

Sorry, did the world get in the way of your slight mishap? (blog post)

If I were a teacher I’d so hand this out to a class. (quiz)

I may owe an apology to some people I met when I was 23. Meee toooo. *cringe* (blog post)

Meeting mountain gorillas. (blog post)

6 unassuming animals that are actually immortal. (cracked article)

Smart-ass graffiti. (photos)

How happiness changes with age. (article)

The tattoo is right! (GRAPHIC stab wound image, you have been warned) (not super gross though)

On Marina Abramović’s performance art and what it says about humanity. Terrifying. (tumblr post)

Babies we seldom see. (photos)

Quit fucking asking me questions: a refresher course. (article)

Say yes to strangers, what I learned from my Craigslist date. (blog post)

41 camping hacks that are borderline genius. (buzzfeed list)

30 brilliant billboards. (photos)

Dolphins are not healers. (article)

Try something new, make TV your last choice. (blog post)

23 pictures that prove that society is doomed. (photos)

Patton Oswalt’s “closed letter” to himself. Really awesome! (article)

When your little girl asks you if she’s pretty. (blog post)

Things I’m supposed to do but don’t. Very relatable! (blog post)

Why Tina from Bob’s Burgers is awesome. (article)

Dog grooming competition. Yikes. Not cool…but I have to admit the pluto/disney one made me lol. His eyes!! (photos)

Download 60 free university history courses. (website)

Mommy blog or glossy fashion magazine? (article)

Ryan Lochte is a human jagerbomb. (article)

25 reasons why adulthood doesn’t suck. (buzzfeed)

6 year old metal singer on America’s Got Talent. (video)

I find these ads really powerful. (photos)

Have you heard about the Marijuana Moms of Beverly Hills? (article)

Expectation vs reality. (photos)

What should you post on Facebook? (flowchart)

Hahaha dog tongue. (gif)

How our sight works. Damn the human body is amazing. (article)

Literal English translations of the eymology of place names in the USA on a map. (image)

Child labour laws will soon apply to models under 18 as well in New York. Good! (article)

The seven best Hulk accounts on Twitter. I follow feminist hulk, it’s pretty funny. (article)

Amusement park rides smushed into cubes. (photos)

The daily life of a grandma and her odd-eyed cat. Why is she bathing with pumpkins? (article)

Huge props to the male athletes at Phillips Andover for supporting feminism. (article)

I am kind of obsessed with packing well, so this got my heart racing. lol (blog post)

Tabletop photographer puts his toys to good use. (photos)

Debate around academic porn journal is exactly why we need it. (article)

It’s okay to call a guy creepy. (article)

Only the lonely. Did you know Stephen Fry tried to kill himself recently? (article)

Family portraits through objects they have owned. (photos)

Some will always say you’re wrong. (blog post)

Why I hate cyclists. (blog post)

The story behind monopoly pieces. (article)

That awkward moment when the tribe you were trying to convert to Christianity instead converts you to atheism. (blog post)

What the voices of Disney characters look like. (photos)

Three ways to say no to people who want to pick your brain. (video)

It’s 2013, who still listens to Limp Bizkit? Yikes. (article)

Can you imagine the riots? Airplane forgets toilet paper on ten hour flight. lol (article)

6 hilarious cases of online voting gone awry. (cracked article)

Even more dog shaming. (photos)

Hooray for Wendy Davis! (blog post)

The important things and advice to know that people aren’t generally told about. (article)

Mean Gurlz, a Mean Girls parody. (video)

Check out these tiny books. (article)

I don’t have that one but I still dream about not finding the right classroom in time. (comic)

Beautiful trees. (photos)

Book paintings by Ekaterina Panikanova (photos)

Justifying the humanities. (blog post)

The real story behind Yuri Gagarim’s death. (article)

I hate it when… (image)

Talking funny. Jerry Seinfeld, Louis CK, Chris Rock and Ricky Gervais talking about comedy. (45min video)

Who’d Have Thought? is a really cool shop full of upcycled things. (store)

Tough titties, because I don’t owe it to anyone to have perfect breasts. (blog post)

How to buy a used car: tips to keep you from getting ripped off. For teens but has some good advice. (blog post)

Don’t pass through life like a smooth plane ride. (comic)

The benefits of grumpiness. (blog post)

An entire Reddit thread of “I like my ___ like I like my ___” jokes. Too funny. (reddit)

These Science World ads are awesome! (photos)

US’ oldest cave art discovered in Tennessee! Cool! (article)

The town that spent 25 years underwater. (photos)

“The reason (to get a tattoo) can’t be to be cooler, under the tattoo you’re still a loser” Some good advice from the men at True Love Tattoo (video)

Dogs reacting to citrus. (video)

What to say when the worst case scenario comes true. Very relevant for me right now. (blog post)

Photoshopped celebrities. (gifs)

A guy went overseas for two months, came back to some beautiful renovations his housemates did in his room. (photos) (and here’s a video of his reaction)

Cinemagraphs via buzzfeed.

Thanks Caitlin
Thanks Kaelah
Thanks Courtney
Thanks Gala
Thanks Nubby
Thanks Clare
Thanks Kellie
Thanks Courtney
Thanks Rookie
Thanks Carrie-Anne
Thanks Ashley
Thanks Hila
Thanks Danielle
Thanks Rookie
Thanks Kaelah
Thanks Rookie
Thanks Nubby
Thanks Suzy
Thanks Sarah Von
Thanks Kellie
Thanks Sarah Von
Thanks Suzy
Thanks Sarah Von

Today was supposed to be the graveside service and internment for my brother, but the weather is crazy in Alberta right now so they’re having everything in the arena instead. My mom has been dreading this day since he passed away. I am really thankful she doesn’t have to go stand out in the graveyard this afternoon. I can only hope that all the people in the town are respectful to my family. I’m really feeling regretful that I came back to Victoria on Sunday. I should have stayed for this one last ritual, if only to protect my mom from well-intentioned looky loos and drama queens posing as friends.

Look how amazing this boy was.

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I’m a proud sister, what can I say?