moving blogs AGAIN, I know you hate me now but too bad

There’s just something about WordPress that I find cold and no fun to use. Probably just because I started out on Blogger and it feels like home over there.

Anyway long story short, I’m moving back but to another new blog, here. (or click here for bloglovin’ link) I know I know I’m making you guys jump through all kinds of hoops.

Worst. Blog friend. Ever.

But, let’s be honest, blogging is the most selfish endeavor there is, basically. So yup, it’s all about me. See you over there, or not. Your choice.

oh deer

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Our neighborhood deer had been surprisingly … absent lately. So much so I thought they were dead. There’s an ongoing debate about whether or not to “cull” the population in the city, whether or not bows and arrows are humane…I’m on the side of NO and THEY’RE ABSOLUTELY NOT. You know what? Build a tall fence if you don’t want them eating your precious strawberry patch. This is their home too, it’s not their fault we keep tearing down their habitats.

I nearly lost hope of ever seeing them again…until this spring, when every once in a while I’d notice little deer beds in the morning; flattened down bits in the tall grass.

And now they’re back full force these days. I’ve seen them just outside our front door on several occasions. There’s even a baby!

Pics or it didn’t happen.

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I want to write

I’m ready to write more blog posts now, I am. I just need something to say that doesn’t lead me back down the rabbit hole of grief. I’m working on another links post and I’ve got a few more ideas in the works, but I just feel like free-writing.

I can’t let my mind go like I could three weeks ago, because it always goes back to Jaden, Jaden, Jaden. Now I understand what people mean when they say “I think about him every day” years after someone has died. They literally mean every single day. I didn’t believe it was possible, that there was enough room in a person’s brain to think about the ones they’ve lost and go on with their lives but somehow it is possible.

I had an awkward moment the other day where someone asked me how my family was doing. They asked because there were insane floods ruining huge parts of Alberta (including downtown Calgary), but I totally froze. Does he know my brother died? He doesn’t know. Should I tell him? Is it my job to tell him? It was a case of either me not telling him and hoping he’d forget all about my family, or else I could tell him and probably cry and make him feel super bad for bringing it up even though he didn’t know. I “had to make a phone call” instead of doing either thing.

But I can’t keep making phone calls. Another guy, a friend of a friend, was in town and he was all “So how have you been doing lately? What’s new?” And I was all like “fine, nothing’s new” but that felt like a horrible lie so I changed my answer to “actually pretty terrible” and went on to totally bring everybody in the room down…I guess I’ll just keep it on a need to know basis from now on.

I just felt like I couldn’t do the absolute horror of the situation justice in that type of small, just-catching-up conversation. The way I screamed and screamed into my pillow after my sister told me how they found him that morning. Knowing that the body I was seeing gasping for air at the children’s hospital was the same little buddy I fell in love with fourteen years ago and he was already gone by the time I got there. There will never be another chance for us to make jokes at Christmas, I can never watch him play hockey again…I had plans to start inviting him out to Victoria to stay for a weekend here and there “when he got older”…

Another thing I’m struggling with on my blog is the right thing to say. I really want to pour my heart out and my guts and my brain but I also don’t want to say too much. I want my mom to be able to read this, but I also want to express the true dark and gritty hurt I have. I don’t feel like “sorrow” or “grief” cover the rock hard wall I hit. I actually have felt differently about everything since Jaden died, I think it reset my emotions and the things I care about. I care less. I’m not sure if that’s a temporary thing or a good thing or bad.

You see? I just wrote what I was thinking and this is what came out.

There are good things going on in my life. I have some great friends who I have been ignoring. (sorry!!) Yesterday I got new heart shaped sunglasses and had good hair and got a new tattoo (and Gerry fixed a poorly done one by another guy as well). We got a new oven. A great friend just told me just now as I’m typing that she’s coming to town next week. But my mind is just JADENJADENJADEN as soon as I let it go.

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canada day bla bla bla

So far today’s been pretty good, I’ve got the day off and the kids and I have been hanging out. We watched Office Space (well I put it on and forced them to watch it), then we went outside to shoot airsoft guns at pop bottles and cardboard men they made, then we dragged a blanket (and Tank) outside and played a round of the Simpson’s Jeopardy board game. I was winning too much and they got frustrated so we stopped, haha. They’re playing video games now and I’m eating cold pizza.

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Our yearly tradition on Canada Day is to go down “to the docks” downtown, get french fries at Barb’s Fish and Chips, and watch the fireworks. Something about that seems so unappealing to me today, but you know, it’s tradition so what can you do? We might have to go. Plus it looks like The Odds are playing today somewhere downtown. I used to love their song Eat My Brain a lot, actually. It was on all the mix tapes.*

I’ve also got three giant cans of Strongbow I could get into. The weather’s super hot but our house is cave-like inside because of all the trees surrounding us. Amazing in the summer, freezing in the winter. Who needs air conditioning anyway?

So yeah I’m just really trying to live in the moment. Yesterday I read something Alexandra Franzen wrote and it was perfect:

WHAT TO SAY (TO YOURSELF) WHEN YOU ARE GRIEVING

Dear Self,

I am grieving.

Grief is natural.

But I was not born to grieve — I was born to love, and laugh, and live.

Grief is only my waiting room — for the moment.

And one day, soon, I will step out of that waiting room, and back into my life.

I’ll take one small step today, right now, by {insert itty-bitty action step, here}.

That one small step will feel loving, and beautiful, and good.

And that one small step is all I need to do — for now.

Love,

{your name}
XO.

 

You see? That is awesome. Anyway I’m trying to not let my focus remain on death and the futility of being and all that. What about the small things? What about the good in the world? It’s hard to get past that “who cares, we’re all going to die anyway” thing but I’m working on it.

Anyway yeah so Canada’s birthday, woo. I’m going to get my Canada flag cape and my jester hat or whatever and party. Or actually no. The opposite of that.

*watching that video led me down a rabbithole of old one hit wonders. Remember In The Meantime by Spacehog? Damn I used to love that one too. And I Got A Girl by Tripping Daisy? And Live’s I Alone? And Just A Girl by No Doubt? Am I dating myself yet? haha I’m like 40 years older than all the rest of you bloggers, bet you didn’t know that.

Best find of all though, hands down, is Popular by Nada Surf. Holy shit I was obsessed with this music video and the song when I was a teenager. Now…eh. It’s alright. I used to think that second guy the cheerleader makes out with was super hot though which was probably the main reason I taped it…on my VHS fucking recorder…onto a tape. Isn’t he like … 25 though? What’s he still doing on the high school football team anyway?

Watch it.