A message to you omnivores this Easter…


Peeps. I tried my first one last week, and only because somebody bought them for all of us at work and nobody was eating them. I felt bad. After one bite I realized why nobody was eating them. Those things are disgusting. They’re like those horrible marshmallow strawberries from my childhood that always somehow ended up being in the grab-bags of candy I got from “the store”.

Anyway, seeing as it’s Easter Sunday (capitalization means it’s a Big Holiday), I have something I need to get off my chest. It’s about eating with omnivores, as a vegetarian.

My family eats meat. Most of my friends eat meat. I don’t care. I made a choice not to eat dead bodies and that’s that. I’m not better or worse than you for it. You’re not better or worse than me either. I just have a message to the omnivores out there who have one vegetarian at their table…

DO NOT EAT ALL THE VEGETARIAN FOOD!

This is very common. A family plans a turkey dinner, with bacon in the potatoes, stuffing full of who knows what, cubed ham in the peas, beef gravy and … oh yeah, there’s a salad for the one vegetarian. I guess we can leave the chicken out of it like gracious hosts.

No problem. The vegetarian brought their own thing from home. Maybe it’s a tofurky, maybe it’s a special lasagna or spaghetti (?) or something…they just want to be included, to hang out with you, to be able to eat something nutritious and healthy, NOT JUST SALAD. They’re covered, don’t even worry about it.

Until…

Uncle: “Hey, is that tofurky any good? Mind if I try a bite?”
Vegetarian: “Uh, I guess not, go ahead.”
Little cousin: “Can I try some?”
Vegetarian: “I guess…”
Uncle: “Ugh disgusting, how can you eat this stuff?” (Throws an entire slice in the garbage disposal.)
Little cousin: (spits it back out onto his plate) “Eww, it’s like poison!”
Everyone else at table: (laughs)
Vegetarian: (sighs and goes back to the half-meal that’s left over).

You guys, that is so rude. Everybody wants to know if the tofu hot dog tastes like a “real” hot dog. It has the same spices but is made from tofu. So it’s different. You don’t need to prove to all the other meat eaters that the tofu hot dog is inferior okay? It wastes food, and hurts feelings.

Ryan seems to encounter this situation a lot at work functions. There’s him and one or two other vegetarians. Not even “difficult-to-feed” vegans. It’s not hard to feed a vegetarian, trust me. But every single time he goes to a meeting, they order pizza. One pepperoni. One meat lovers. And one veggie. And guess what everybody eats first? The veggie one. And then him and the other two are left fighting over scraps while everyone else is “too stuffed” to even touch that last pizza.

I’m just saying, try to be sensitive to other people’s dietary concerns. It’s no secret that those three are vegetarian at the meetings, the others just don’t even think about it.

So, in conclusion, if your family is having a big nice Easter dinner and you have vegans or vegetarians around, please don’t eat all their food! And maybe try to keep the side dishes beef-stock and meat-free. Don’t pour butter all over the veggies if there’s a vegan.

Thank you.

Oh, and also? Peeps are gross.

How to…make Mr.Noodles delicious

Well folks, if you’re reading this on the 16th, then I’m on my way to somewhere warm and communist. I’m probably stuck in a line-up at customs or trying to read a book with an excited tummy in an uncomfortable chair at this very  moment! Since I’m away, I’ve scheduled this (and many more) posts to appear. 
Later alligator!

Are you poor? Totally broke? 

Can only afford a three dollar meal? 
Do you like the flavor of chip dip? 
Ever wonder what it’d be like on noodles?
Well, thanks to a friend of mine, I have learned the solution to all these questions.
MISTER NOODLES. With sour cream in it.
No, really.
Here’s how to make an unhealthy, fattening and completely delicious meal. (snack?)
——————–

Step one:Go to the grocery store. 
Step two: buy a package of Mr.Noodles 
for like a dollar. 
I like the vegetable flavor. 
Step three: take the flavor packet out of the package.
Step four: steal a little of your roommate’s/significant other’s 
sour cream from the fridge. 
Step five: combine them.
Step six: tell your dog he can’t have any
even though he’s so cute.
Step seven: throw the noodles in some boiling water.
Step eight. wait like three minutes until 
they’re all noodley and not in a square anymore. 

Step nine: Drain the noodles, 
throw ’em in the bowl with the sour cream/flavor mixture. 
Step ten: ENJOY!

Like I said, it kind of tastes like chip dip with noodles, but you know what? If you’re literally broke and have been eating ramen for days anyway, this is a nice way to change it up.

thanksgiving is for the birds



Well, there was Thanksgiving. How’d it go for you guys? Family? Feast? Fun? Fighting? (The four effs to any government mandated holiday, right?)

Ours was small and fantastic.

I rushed home on Sunday evening, somehow the busses and work end time and everything corresponded perfectly so I made it just as the food was coming out of the oven at seven-ish. That never happens. It’s a Thanksgiving miracle!

Ryan had prepared a frickin’ veritable vegetarian feast; tofurky, potatoes, mushroom gravy, stuffing, some kind of fancy glazed carrots, cranberries…SO GOOD! We didn’t do the pumpkin pie thing because nobody likes it except for me. (huh?) And after all that cheesecake I had on my birthday I do not need an entire pumpkin pie to myself.

The kids and Ryan came up with a new tradition that I think is super cute and a really great idea: they went and fed a bunch of ducks because they decided that it’s only fair that if there’s so many birds being killed at this time of year, maybe some of them deserve a good dinner.

So now, every Christmas and Thanksgiving they’re gonna go somewhere and feed some birds.

Fantastic.

We also did a little talk about Christobel Colon … Chris Columbus, the master of genocide, guy who got lost and landed in the Americas and killed everyone, you know, bla bla bla. We all agreed that the reason we were celebrating and will continue to celebrate Thanksgiving is for the food and because it’s a nice excuse to have a special time with our family.

At one point, Ryan was trying to explain to the youngest that people celebrate Thanksgiving for different reasons, “you know, like people have different religions”, and the kid said

“Oh, yeah, I don’t believe in God.”

It was really strange to hear such strong words coming out of a little mouth. I love that they’re given complete freedom to choose, as I think every human should have, but I guess I’ve just never heard a little kid say something like that before. I have barely ever heard an adult say it outright like that. There’s always some hemming and hawing, and some “well I guess there could be something…nobody can know for sure…”

Ryan took it in stride and said something to the effect of “you can choose whatever you like for the rest of your life, and maybe you’ll change your mind and maybe not but that’s okay” and then segued back into the Thanksgiving talk.

Deep stuff, man.

Thanksgiving stuff.

To the max.