I’m ready to write more blog posts now, I am. I just need something to say that doesn’t lead me back down the rabbit hole of grief. I’m working on another links post and I’ve got a few more ideas in the works, but I just feel like free-writing.
I can’t let my mind go like I could three weeks ago, because it always goes back to Jaden, Jaden, Jaden. Now I understand what people mean when they say “I think about him every day” years after someone has died. They literally mean every single day. I didn’t believe it was possible, that there was enough room in a person’s brain to think about the ones they’ve lost and go on with their lives but somehow it is possible.
I had an awkward moment the other day where someone asked me how my family was doing. They asked because there were insane floods ruining huge parts of Alberta (including downtown Calgary), but I totally froze. Does he know my brother died? He doesn’t know. Should I tell him? Is it my job to tell him? It was a case of either me not telling him and hoping he’d forget all about my family, or else I could tell him and probably cry and make him feel super bad for bringing it up even though he didn’t know. I “had to make a phone call” instead of doing either thing.
But I can’t keep making phone calls. Another guy, a friend of a friend, was in town and he was all “So how have you been doing lately? What’s new?” And I was all like “fine, nothing’s new” but that felt like a horrible lie so I changed my answer to “actually pretty terrible” and went on to totally bring everybody in the room down…I guess I’ll just keep it on a need to know basis from now on.
I just felt like I couldn’t do the absolute horror of the situation justice in that type of small, just-catching-up conversation. The way I screamed and screamed into my pillow after my sister told me how they found him that morning. Knowing that the body I was seeing gasping for air at the children’s hospital was the same little buddy I fell in love with fourteen years ago and he was already gone by the time I got there. There will never be another chance for us to make jokes at Christmas, I can never watch him play hockey again…I had plans to start inviting him out to Victoria to stay for a weekend here and there “when he got older”…
Another thing I’m struggling with on my blog is the right thing to say. I really want to pour my heart out and my guts and my brain but I also don’t want to say too much. I want my mom to be able to read this, but I also want to express the true dark and gritty hurt I have. I don’t feel like “sorrow” or “grief” cover the rock hard wall I hit. I actually have felt differently about everything since Jaden died, I think it reset my emotions and the things I care about. I care less. I’m not sure if that’s a temporary thing or a good thing or bad.
You see? I just wrote what I was thinking and this is what came out.
There are good things going on in my life. I have some great friends who I have been ignoring. (sorry!!) Yesterday I got new heart shaped sunglasses and had good hair and got a new tattoo (and Gerry fixed a poorly done one by another guy as well). We got a new oven. A great friend just told me just now as I’m typing that she’s coming to town next week. But my mind is just JADENJADENJADEN as soon as I let it go.