I want to say something and I don’t want you all to say anything back because there are no words that can do anything for me right now.
My beautiful amazing athletic silly sweet awkward fourteen year old brother Jaden died one week ago today. He had a seizure in the night that made his heart stop beating. My mom, my brothers, my sisters, their wonderful next door neighbor, all the paramedics, all the doctors and nurses in the children’s hospital, they all did everything they could possibly do to save his life. They brought his pulse back but in the end it was too late for him to be able to survive on his own. His little man’s body fought so hard, for over 24 hours his heart pumped and his lungs did their best. With the help of too many machines and too many drugs he held on long enough for us all to say everything we wanted to say and I guess that’s all you can ask for when it’s too late for anything else. We all got to see him one last time, hold his hand, touch his skin, smell his hair, kiss his cheek. Most people don’t get that chance.
My family is large and strong and we were all there for one another this past week. We did some of the weird death rituals that society asks, we made up those funeral card things to hand out for when he is buried tomorrow and a memorial service, we listened to people say “I’m sorry” and worst of all all the dumb asses who said “How are you?” like they forgot how we just literally had the worst day of our lives or maybe they just didn’t really get it. But we also had a lot of hilarious stories and beautiful photos to share, we pulled out everything we could find that belonged to him and each took a couple talismans to hold in the night. Our family opted for no funeral and to keep to ourselves and it really was good for us to just be together.
A lot of people really stepped up to help us in so many ways and I am forever grateful to you all if you are reading this. You know what you did for us and I love you for it.
The local newspaper went all tabloid on our family, something you would never expect to happen in real life. The front page headline read “MAYOR’S SON DIES” and then the article says nothing…they had zero information, just jumped on that “scoop”… he died “of an apparent medical condition” they said and that our “funeral arrangements were not finalized”. And the article ironically ended with “the family asks for everybody to respect their privacy” or something. It was the most disrespectful paparazzi fucking bullshit and the town let them know. A friend of mine saw a stack of them in the gas station and without a word just threw them all in the garbage. I noticed today the story was taken off their website.
I don’t know what else to tell here, but I just feel like this is my blog about my life and this is the biggest worst thing that’s ever happened. I’m also a bit afraid to forget any of it because Jaden deserves to be remembered, even the scary things and the sad things.
Since most of you don’t know my family, only me, I want you to know I am okay, for the most part. I have been having a lot of nightmares every night and sometimes start crying out of nowhere, but I’m pretty sure that stuff is normal. I don’t really want a lot of attention on me, I’ve been just sitting and thinking a lot.
If you know me in real life I definitely don’t want any head tilts or any “are you okay”s because I’m not going to reassure you, that’s not my job. I am not really okay and that’s okay, you know? Your hugs and questions and concern do not help me, but I do appreciate the thought, if that makes sense. So just think it to yourself or write it down for later or give me something that doesn’t require me to give anything back. Lend me an ear if I want to tell you a story or something. If I cry just let me cry. Hand me a tissue if I get gross.
On Saturday after having people come in and out of the house to see us all day we went out to the park to send off some sky lanterns. It was a beautiful way to light up a difficult day.
No matter what we are always seven. I have four brothers.
Please, I really mean it, don’t tell me about your thoughts and prayers or how sorry you are in the comments. But maybe tell me about a time you were devastated and how you worked through it if you think you can help. I’ve never really done this before.