what I want out of my blog and why I don’t write more even though I’m going to try harder

A good way to get inspired to write more is to start reading stranger’s blogs. I do this every once in a while just to see what else is out there and it nearly always ends up with me thinking “I CAN DO BETTER, MY VOICE IS BETTER” and here I am, post-judgment, with nothing to say and plenty of can-do spirit. So let’s do this already.

I actually do have a lot to say about things going on with the people in my life, but it’s all very non-bloggable private stuff that affects a lot more people than just me in much more profound ways.

I’m making it sound bigger than it even is I think, but anyway I just feel like I’ve been representing myself (here, on twitter and on instagram) as a very boring person who takes too many photos of her dog and spends every second alone, grouchy and sarcastic and wallowing in my own narcissism. Just so you all know there are THINGS and DRAMAS happening. Not just self-portraits of me at the bus stop.

And I do spend time with other people, I just don’t always feel like documenting every single little thing. Which perhaps is where I’m having trouble with blogging lately. I’m not sure how I want to represent myself. Or even how I feel about myself.

I do know from looking at other blogs that I don’t want it to look too pretty and well-lit. Those amazing perfect blogs are so boring! But I do want to come off as kind of cool and suave and interesting. Oh, and smart. But not too polished. But maybe a little polished. And I definitely never want to use one of those forty or so stock backgrounds blogger allows you to choose from.

They. Are. Terrible.

I want you all to like me for who I am without ever seeing a photo of me looking ugly or ever meeting me outside of a computer screen, is that possible? Oh and I want a lot of followers but I never want to display how many I have, and I never want to appear like I have a lot of followers, so I can be all nonchalant about it and pretend I am surprised you are there. Even though my heart smiles a thousand suns worth of beams of happiness every time the number goes up by one. I do appreciate you all. BUT DON’T TELL ANYBODY.

I want to use my blog to share my good and bad times, and get the appropriate congratulatory or sympathetic comments. But I want all the comments to be genuine and include at least one personal anecdote from each commenter. Even though I am a terrible commenter myself and usually say nothing at all unless I think I can be funny.

I want to feel proud of each and every entry I make on this blog, but I am lazy and want to put minimal effort into writing and editing. How does that work?

Hm.

I have had mediocre success with two other blogs in the past and quit them both because of feelings of inadequacy and the pressure to continually grow the blog and succeed and make money from it and so on. But to hell with that this time. I’m going to keep it small in spirit and just write because for the life of me I can’t imagine a world where I’m not writing something somewhere.  I’ll just write the blog I’d like to read and that will be enough.

So guys, I’m sorry I put you through that whole “ooh I’m going to quit this blog because I’m not feeling it” bullshit. That was kind of a cop-out whiney way of saying I’m not proud of what I’ve been putting out there lately. I’m not going to quit, I’m going to do better.

Let’s use that as a metaphor for 2013, shall we?

I’m not going to quit, I’m going to do better.
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