1. Playing your music loud enough so everybody around you can hear. This is the worst thing you can ever do around me. But you know what brings the ‘worst’ up to the next level? Not using headphones at all. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? Your music sucks! I swear I have never heard a single song I like playing on someone else’s portable device in all my years of being on the bus. Nobody is enjoying this but you, asshole. And you know what’s even worse than that? Whistling along to your music! AAARGH
2. Putting your feet or bags or luggage or whatever on an empty seat when the bus is nearly full. Don’t be a weiner. You are no more important than anybody else and everybody wants a seat. If you put your feet on the seat you are getting your disgusting dirt and dog poo and street crap and garbage on that seat and could be ruining someone’s khaki pants. How rude!
3. Loud talking. Prolonged cell phone conversations in a valley girl voice are so obnoxious. Nobody wants to hear about what Jen said about your shoes. Same with loud conversations with your friends where you are trying to sound cool but actually you sound like a total white trash idiot: talking about who tried to shank you, talking about the hot chick you banged, talking about the drugs you’re on…you are a loser and are ruining my quiet bus reading time.
4. Sick people on the bus. People who cough without discretion. COVER YOUR DANG MOUTH! I’m so serious about this, do the vampire sneeze and the vampire cough or try to do that closed-mouth-impossible cough. Bring tissues when you’re sick and be discrete when you blow your nose. If I get mothereffin’ sick because you’re too much of an dick face to cover your germ-hole I am gonna be SO ANGRY.
5. Not holding on while you’re standing up. DUDE you don’t look cool stumbling all over the damn place falling into people’s laps and hitting them with your backpack. Just hold on. If you’re afraid of germs then bring some fucking purell in your pocket. I got myself in the habit of washing my “bus hands” the second I get home, and never touching my face or eating after being on the bus until said hand-washing occurs.
6. Letting your kids do what they want on the bus. I never ever want to sit beside your toddler because you think they’re old enough to start talking to strangers. And I never want some baby pulling my hair. It’s not cute. I don’t want your two boys to be reaching across me, hitting each other. Worst of all, watching your kid to go down the steps of the double decker is stressful as hell! What if they fall? They’ll break a leg! Hold that kid’s hand, dangit!
7. Eating on the bus is disgusting. I don’t want to smell shrimp flavored chips and you are probably ingesting some form of the bubonic plague.That is all.
8. Picking a fight with other bus patrons. This is a weird one that happens more often than you’d think. Usually it’s young men between the ages of 18-35ish who have had a few brewskies on the way home from whatever their jobs are that causes them to wear brown carhart overalls covered in paint. And be drunk. Double worse? Picking a fight or talking back to the bus driver. Oh how I feel for the bus drivers. What a terrible job. I always cheer on the inside when a driver kicks someone off the bus. You got your come-uppance, fool!
9. PDA. Nobody wants to see your tongue anywhere near anybody else. And really? Is this romantic? Because I think it’s akin to making out in a dumpster, maybe with less rats. No matter how great your girl looks in her sideways Ed Hardy cap, orange makeup mask, spider leggy mascara and/or Lulu Lemon yoga pants, please, just wait ’til you get home, mmkay?