what are you doing in there?

ryan: (making a lot of noise in the kitchen)

me: what are you doing in there?

ryan: making you dinner.

me: what?

ryan: never mind

me: no i just…

ryan: (making a lot of rustling plastic grocery bag noises)what?

me: sigh

ryan: (quiet rustling)you just what?

me: i just want to know what you’re doing

ryan: i’m making you food. (disgusting noise, kind of like diarrhea or maybe soup stock coming out of a small hole in a tetra pack)

me: now what are you doing?

ryan: diarrhea in a pot

me: oh.

ryan: (more super loud bag rustling in the kitchen)

me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN THERE?

ryan: i’m just checking for receipts in these grocery bags. I’m going to bring them to work and I don’t want anybody looking through and being like “hm, why did ryan’s girlfriend buy a dildo? is he not satisfying her?”

me: ha ha

me: wait, my dildo receipts?

ryan: ha ha yeah, I don’t know

me: what are you doing with all my dildo receipts? that’s where I keep them!

ryan: ha ha (super loud can clattering noises from the kitchen)

me: what are you doing now!!!?

ryan: I’m rearranging the recycling because somebody threw the cans all over the bag.

me: I’m gonna throw your can on the bag.

ryan: I want to throw my bag on your cans.

me: touché.

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