ryan: (making a lot of noise in the kitchen)
me: what are you doing in there?
ryan: making you dinner.
ryan: never mind
me: no i just…
ryan: (making a lot of rustling plastic grocery bag noises)what?
ryan: (quiet rustling)you just what?
me: i just want to know what you’re doing
ryan: i’m making you food. (disgusting noise, kind of like diarrhea or maybe soup stock coming out of a small hole in a tetra pack)
me: now what are you doing?
ryan: diarrhea in a pot
ryan: (more super loud bag rustling in the kitchen)
me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN THERE?
ryan: i’m just checking for receipts in these grocery bags. I’m going to bring them to work and I don’t want anybody looking through and being like “hm, why did ryan’s girlfriend buy a dildo? is he not satisfying her?”
me: ha ha
me: wait, my dildo receipts?
ryan: ha ha yeah, I don’t know
me: what are you doing with all my dildo receipts? that’s where I keep them!
ryan: ha ha (super loud can clattering noises from the kitchen)
me: what are you doing now!!!?
ryan: I’m rearranging the recycling because somebody threw the cans all over the bag.
me: I’m gonna throw your can on the bag.
ryan: I want to throw my bag on your cans.