you don’t see that every day

The eve is Halloween. Candy Corn and that Monster Mash song are in the air. I’m walking home, in a shitty mood because I just saw three sexy troll dolls on the bus, complete with tall hair and booty shorts, and part of me was envious of the costume.
I’m costume-less because I left my skeleton costume at work for one of the guys to wear to the bar.

I walk in the door and see Darth Vader trying to get Papa Smurf and the Grim Reaper to hold still for a photo. Darth turns around when I come in the door and asks

“Did you see my bum?”

To which I reply “Um…what? No?”

Darth leads me outside to where the new un-moldy jack-o-lanterns sits at the end of the driveway. Yes. He had carved one to look like it was mooning passers-by.

“Nice,” I say, laughing.

Moments later they left to join the neighbor kids in trick or treating. I sat down to enjoy some mashed potatoes, and then Darth came running back into the house, laughing.

“What’s so funny?”

“You have to come outside and see my pumpkin”

“Uhh I just did”

“No, you have to see it from the road”

“Why?”

“Just come on, you can put my slippers on. Nobody’s out there”

“Fine”

and I went. And oh. my. gosh.
It has a vagina. With herpes.

So of course we left it out with pride, and later, when Darth, Papa Smurf and the Grim Reaper returned, Darth said he saw three men taking pictures of it.

“I can’t wait to show the guys at the office!” Said one.

And this is why we are awesome.

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