me no smrt

my friend from “back home” was supposed to arrive today.

i was so excited! i sat by my phone, telling ryan that i can’t do anything because she’s coming today and i don’t want to make any plans for the rest of the week because she’s coming today. i can’t even breathe because today is the day and i need to keep every waking moment free because she’s coming today!

i waited and waited.

finally at around 2pm i updated my facebook status to “where are [friend] and [friend’s husband]?

and soon after, my phone rang

it was her! FINALLY SHE WAS HERE

“hello?” i said

no, wait. actually i picked up my phone, and because it very seldom actually rings i hit the “send busy message” button instead of the “answer” button

so i called her back and she was the one who said “hello?”

“hi, it’s me!” i said excitedly into the talky bit. i was ready with questions about where she was and what did she want to do first but she cut me off.

“i’m going to tell you this one last time. we are going to be there NEXT WEEK”

she wasn’t as angry as it seems all typed out, it was more of a “you silly little idiot” tone of voice she said it in.

all my friends have this tone of voice for me because i am frequently a silly little idiot.

i was embarrassed. i made some excuse up about being so excited and … just wanted to know where they were … because … i … can’t wait for next week… yeah, that’s it.

she was making cabbage rolls and had to go.

the rest of the day i felt so stupid.

it was one of those days with the low self esteem and the my life is so lame blues. i was totally down in the dumps.
then we went to the dump! so i was literally in the dumps!

we brought our garbage there, and then ryan pulled the classic “oh, since we’re out we might as well go … ” trick that people with cars always do

it’s the worst thing about depending on someone to drive your sorry carless ass around.

he had some movies to return at the library.

THE LIBRARY!

(cue beams of light in the clouds and that hallelujah chorus)*

i LOVE the library.

when i was a kid, my brother, sister and i went to visit my dad every second weekend in calgary, and he would bring us to the gigantic fancy public library near his house all the time.

ever since then, going to the library has felt like going on a treasure hunt. the only thing better for me is a used book store because you get to keep those books for ever n ever

nothing makes me more excited than the hunt of a well-used paperback.**

seriously. JOY!!

by the time ryan’s and his kids had done their business, whatever it was they were doing, i was clutching three books to my chest and was whispering

“how long do i get to keep these?”

while casting my eyes to the shelves around me rather than looking at ryan in the eye because i know he was all “this chick is crazy today”

“i don’t know, why don’t you go check them out and your little print-out will tell you”

“okay!”

they have those self check-out machines at the library, and it’s funny because you scan the book and then the little de-magnetisey thing makes a thump noise, and that’s how you know it’s done.

but the “thump” is accompanied by a … well it really felt like there was somebody under the counter punching the book.

i told this to ryan and he looked uneasy.

was i joking or not?

especially when i began giggling like a maniac after the third THUMP

“come on, let’s go” he whispered when i was finished and we headed out the door.

BEEPBEEPBEEPBEEP

shit, i set the alarm off

i came back and the librarian was already walking toward me sternly, as though i was a huge trouble maker.

“sorry,” i said, “i don’t know why it’s beeping at me! maybe it’s because i have this other book in my bag from home”
i pulled out a douglas copeland book. she frowned at it and looked at me like i was a huge idiot (it was seriously a recurring theme today) and then she re-scanned the books.

THUMP. THUMP. THUMP.

i covered my grin with my hand and pretended to cough.

i also got some audio books for ryan’s seven year old, like pinocchio and peter pan and some thing called “inkheart” that’s FOURTEEN DISCS LONG.

please play this video for the soundtrack to the rest of this post

remember the disney version of pinocchio? did he ever get burned on the feet? or sell his ABC book to go to the theater? because he does in this version, according to the names of the chapters.

here are some of the others:

pinocchio and the assassins (WTF do kids need to know about assassins for?)

pinocchio is heartbroken to discover that the blue haired fairy is dead and the pigeon takes him to look for gepetto

pinocchio narrowly escapes drowning but is swallowed by the shark

the pinocchio i know and love would never hang out with assassins and get eaten by a shark. a whale, maybe, but never a shark.

he’d also sing about gottin’ no strings to hold him down, make him fret or make him frown.

wow this song is fricking creepy now that i’m all old n shit. the french floozy is all “your savoir faire is ooh la la”
what does pinocchio know to do that’s “ooh la la”

how to get wood, perhaps?

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4 thoughts on “me no smrt

  1. librarians always give me the heebiejeebies. theyre always old and smell strange and scold me with bad breath for bringing books back late. and since ive become an un-kid (uh, in body at least), children's cartoons have been scaring the hell out of me in a sortve fascinating manner. i imagine books are no better. (for an awesome one though, you should check out “And Tango Makes Three”. it warms my little heart everytime.

  2. librarians always give me the heebiejeebies. theyre always old and smell strange and scold me with bad breath for bringing books back late. and since ive become an un-kid (uh, in body at least), children's cartoons have been scaring the hell out of me in a sortve fascinating manner. i imagine books are no better. (for an awesome one though, you should check out “And Tango Makes Three”. it warms my little heart everytime.

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